To Prince William,
President, The Football Association (FA),
National Football Centre, St George’s Park

Subject: Application for the Position of England Men’s Senior Team Head Coach

Dear Sir,

My name is Pradeep Niroula, and I hold a doctorate in theoretical physics. I am writing to apply for the position of Head Coach of the England Men’s National Team.

After eight years of the Southgate experiment, I believe, like the rest of the world, it is time for a fresh perspective. I intend to leverage my professional training to make the English football team both successful and entertaining. Unlikely as it may sound, I would like to remind you of the gritty tale of Moneyball where Brad Pitt takes Oakland Athletics to World Series success using nothing but numbers and a lot of charisma. Similarly, I plan to use high-performance computing and AI to discover innovative playing formations and answer strategic questions, like “Does Harry Kane really need to be up top all the time?”

The English team has often been criticized for lacking electricity on the field. In a physics lab, we solve the problem of low current between two points by increasing the potential difference across them, and this inspires the first innovation I would like to adopt in my coaching: I would like to make the players train on grounds slanting down towards the opposition goal. This is to discourage backward passes to the goalkeeper, and to instill in our players a nugget of wisdom: the ball will move forwards if you allow it to.

I am not only intimately familiar with English football, my achievements in it are also not insubstantial. There was a phase of my life where I spent every waking hour playing FIFA in Manager Mode, trading the tedium of gameplay for the thrill of managing budgets, transfers, stadium renovations, and press conferences. In one campaign, I led Manchester United, another blighted English institution, to the Champions League, a feat I accomplished in the face of my mother’s relentless nagging, demonstrating that I too, like my predecessor, can stay oblivious to criticism. Moreover, my gaming friends and ex-girlfriends can readily attest to my history of performing under immense public scrutiny.

Though my personal athletic record may seem lackluster (despite my captainship of my high-school cricket team in that one game where I also scored two runs), you are no doubt aware that great players rarely make good managers. The pantheon of English football is filled with such examples (Wazza, Gerrard, Lampard to name some recent examples). I understand it is not very English to defy tradition, but stranger things have happened elsewhere: I don’t even want to mention the Reagan presidency.

In summary, I believe I have what it takes to rescue the English national football team from the depths of boredom. I am happy to provide references upon request.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Pradeep Niroula